My Zombie Jew Story is Better Than Yours…
I’ve been having some especially weird dreams lately. One night last week, I fell asleep in my chair with Daisy in my lap, and I woke up and started crying because 1)I dreamed my leg was turning into my dog, and 2) that’s fucking scary!
However, my most effeded-up of dreams of all-time is a few years old now, but is STILL THE BEST YET-TO-BE-MADE -INTO-A-MAJOR-MOTION-PICTURE movie plot line.
Some of you may already be familiar with this dream of mine, but for the rest of internet, it goes like this:
See. There’s this crypt. And all the important dead Jews are kept there. (I’m not up on my Jewistory, but I have to assume both Moses and William Herschel are there. Where my Uranus peeps at?!) And see what happens is, if you go to the Jew Crypt and get some Important Jew blood, and then form some kind of Important Jew blood brothers bond with some Important Jew blood and your own blood, then you’re cleansed of your sins. Totally. Like lying, stealing, coveting thy neighbors sheeps. Everything. Clean slate.
BUT… Holy fuck! Late one night (obviously), some totally sinny-ass teenager shows up to the Important Jew Crypt. But when he tries to make blood brothers with a dead Important Jew, the corpse COMES BACK TO LIFE! (I think it should be Anne Frank, because, fuck it, just GO there, right? ). And then along with all the other reanimated Important Jews, wreaks havoc, and the Important Jew Zombie apocalypse ensues.
So it’s like Catholic confessional+ George Romero + Woody Allen**
“This Summer… Someone pricks the wrong Jew…”
*creaky door hinge*
(hushed whispers) ‘Brrrrrrrraaaaaaaiiiiins….’
“Prepare. For the…
WTF, Jesus? I DREAMED THAT! Where the crap in my psyche did that come from? I’ve been totally cool with all Jews, for like, ever.
Maybe. Somewhere deep in my soul, I think the Jews deserve their vengeance, and the best course of action is obviously a Zombie Jewpocalypse.
But since I went ahead dreamed this, I don’t think it should end at Jewpocalypse! No. We’re talking media, marketing blitz, here. I’m thinking some kind of deal with Burger King® to release 4 commemorative glasses available with the purchase of an Extra Value meal. Those of you familiar with my 7 other posts on this blog should be quite aware of my favorite video game of all time. Just think of it: Plants vs Jew Zombies. It seems like we could take this in a lot of directions.
It’s just something to think about I guess…
Seriously though, I for real apologize if my frank rehashing of my Zombie Jewpocalypse dream has offended anyone of the Jewish community or of Jewishish origin.
Oh. And also, Happy Easter.
**Note: I am completely unfamiliar with the works of both George A. Romero and Woody Allen. So my zombie filmmaker and filmmaker that’s a Jewish guy references are total generalizations.
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